Goodbyes

Ten months, ten weeks, ten days, ten minutes…It seems like since the day I arrived here in Peru, I have always been counting down the time until I would be returning to the States. During most conversations that took place in my first month here, all of us SMs would usually end up talking about something or another that we were going to do when we got back to the States. There were times during these past months when I really did not think that I was going to make it down here; all I wanted to do was get back to my “normal life.” Well, now that time is finally here, I am confused, living here in Peru has become my “normal life” and now I am not as anxious to leave. I ask myself, when did this occur, when did I go from hating it here to being happy and content?

I have always heard people say that coming back can be hard, but I truly never thought it would be the case with me. Tonight as I sat around singing hymns with the few other remaining SMs, I was flooding with memories from the year and felt all sentimental. Now, as I spend my last night here at Kilometer 38 in good old Pucallpa, I feel like crying…like I have for the past week. Leaving behind the people, the project, and the culture seems like such a hard task, especially since I do not know when I will be back. I know I have so much to look forward to in the States, all of my amazing family and friends that have so faithfully supported me all of this year, and I will have all of the comforts of life again, but right now I feel like staying here would not be all that bad.

I have wondered many times if I should stay longer, but have prayed about it a lot, and do not feel that God has called me to stay any longer right now, and with every hard change in life, I find the next stage of life that is just as good as the last. I honestly hate change though, and sometimes I ask myself why I go out and do so much and meet so many new people, when I know it will ultimately just lead to more goodbyes and heartaches. Sometimes, I just want to be one of those small town folks who live in the same place all of their life and grow old with the same people they went to grade school with. Sure changes occur and people always come and go, but why do I always seem to look for adventures which obviously will result in big changes, especially involving those whom I am with?

Makes me think of a conversation I had with my good friend Lauren down here. When leaving one location to start a new campaign, I had one man ask me why were where leaving. He said we obviously were having a huge effect and were still needed in the community, why could we not stay any longer? When I was talking to Lauren about this later, she made a good point; that if we had never left any of the other communities before, we never would have met anyone in this community either. So I guess it is with life, if we get stuck in one place, we never know what we could have done, who we could have met, what God could have had in store for us. So, as I start making my trip back home tomorrow, I am going to try to look beyond the sadness and goodbyes, and realize that what is ahead is exactly what God has planed for my life.