This is just some thoughts that went running around in my head after I read Justin Jones blog, which I can totally relate to. So yep, might be getting sued over some copyright issues :)
Anyways, back in January I started getting really stressed out about life because I realized that I would be returning back to the States, and had no idea what I was going to be doing. I had no clue where I should live, where I should work, if I wanted to continue on with my education, if so, where I wanted to take classes, where I was going to come up with the money for classes, and yep, you get the picture.
You see, I am a type A personality and I have always had everything planned out in my life. When I was in 5th grade I knew I wanted to go to GCA, when I was a junior there I knew I wanted to go to SAU and that I wanted to be a nurse, then when I was a sophomore at SAU I knew I wanted to be a SM, and while I was a SM, I knew that... I had no idea what I wanted to do next!
After spending a lot of time stressing, I realized I was neglecting my work in Peru and that I needed to focus on that until my time there was finished. So I worked peacefully, returned to the States, and now have life figured out again, right? WRONG!
Since getting back I feel kinda at that super stressful point again, I am no longer a missionary and am not quite sure what my purpose is anymore or what I really want. I am a college graduate that has no job and is living with my parents currently (everyone's worse nightmare, right?) I have my life kinda planned out to live back in Chattanooga, but have no job to pay for anything. I think I want to start classes again, but want to make sure that is want I want to do, because in my mind I have convinced myself that if I move in one direction I am deciding my fate for the rest of my life!...But this is where I am mistaken.
Why do I feel like I have to condemn myself like that? I guess I see picking a direction as such a finalizing, permanent thing...such a huge commitment! Time after time though, people keep reminding me that I am young and God has it under control, so why am I so worried? Even if i do go one direction with life and then feel it is the wrong direction, I have no real huge responsibilities yet and I can just pick up and go another direction.
Sometimes, I feel as though I have made the wrong decision with what I am doing, like maybe I should have stayed in Peru or worked at camp for the summer, but at the same time I don't think that is how God wants me to feel, always regretting and fretting over decisions. I truly think that God has a future planned for us, but I think He also gives us some choice in the matter. Maybe there is not one specific direction He wants us to go, but that He gives us several paths to choose from, and maybe they can all be good ones.
So here I sit at home in Jellico, TN. I still have no job, no certain decision on my career, or if I truly should be looking into living somewhere else than Chattanooga, but I feel oddly more at peace, not totally for sures, but getting there. Like maybe this is what I need right now, and that if I make a decision, its not the end of the world. If that happens not to be where God wants me, He will shut doors and I will just pick a new direction and continue on....
Why I'm a Quaker
9 months ago